Tired of the Bullshit

Ideas, perspectives, and trends come in waves, but I never knew how much they’d drown me. I feel as though I’m starting to reconsider the perspective with which I look at the world. I don’t know what success looks or feels like to me anymore.

As of recently, a genuine and common response of mine is, “I don’t know.” There is so much I’m unsure of right now. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who exactly I am. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I want to learn next. I don’t know what I want to write about next. I don’t know what I should be focusing on. I don’t know if I’m going the right direction. I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions. I don’t know why I’m here. There’s so much I don’t know.

Despite my general unknowing-ness and seeming existential crisis, I’ve been on a path of bettering myself. I’ve been on a pursuit of learning. Learning what makes me happy. Learning traditional calligraphic techniques. Learning engraving style illustration. Learning about business. Learning about freelance. Learning just about anything I can. Learning seems to be where I find happiness. Learning provides me with the perfect mix of peace and frustration, enough to keep me engaged and happy, but that balance isn’t always guaranteed.

I believe my recent insecurities stem from the unlimited amount of resources out there. There’s so many ways I can do things. I can follow anyone’s directions and suggestions. There’s so much pressure on being successful and doing things right. There’s so much out there that can help me do things right but there’s nothing that allows me to develop myself freely. To make my own mistakes. To solve my own problems. Learning is great, and it’s helping me so much at the moment, but there’s so much bullshit out there that I’m not able to think for myself. Ideas, perspectives, and trends come in waves, but I never knew how much they’d drown me.

Arrested Development

My pursuit of learning continues, but I’m choosing a road of self discovery rather than reading directly from the endless amount of how-to manuals out there. We’re in a constant state of having images and text flashed at us, and so we’ve become desensitized to information and have lost our inherent curiosity. I fear that I—like many others—am becoming the product of others.

I feel as though I’m starting to reconsider the perspective with which I look at the world. I don’t know what success looks or feels like to me anymore.

I’ve been struggling with how I want to handle my blog and my design career. How should it be leveraged? How should I position myself? In what ways do I want it to be perceived? What specific group of people should I target? What’s my niche? Although these questions are good to be asking myself, I’ve found they’ve simply been hurting my growth because I’m trying to follow other people’s methods of success and not my own. They simply aren’t right for me.

As it relates to this blog, I’ve attempted to nail down a specific direction or niche since I started it up, but nothing seems to fit. I tried making this into a resource for freelancers. I tried making this into a general design resource. I tried making this into a productivity resource. I even contemplated making this into a place for people to learn how to be creative or to strengthen their creative skills. Everything I read, listen to or watch, I’m told this is what I’m supposed to do. Following other people’s cookie cutter attempts at defining the road to success has been pushing me away from defining it for myself.

I will continue learning, growing, and writing, but I needed to make the conscious acknowledgment of cutting out the bullshit. I want to discover who I am. I want to decide and define what life actually looks and feels like to me. I want to understand why I’m here. I want to better understand design, what my role in design is, and where design can go.

I tend to keep things as positive as I can, but venting my frustration is just me being as honest as I can be. That’s what I want this blog to be—honest conversations about design and creativity; a place to share real insight and shed light on the insecurities of being a designer.